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Hometown dates are finally here, and I for one could not be more pleased. This is always one of my favorite episodes of every season, because we really get to know the men on a more intimate level by meeting the psychopaths who raised them. This week, Hannah will be traveling to Peter, Tyler, Luke, and Jed’s hometowns, where she’ll get to see where each of them gets their deep-seated emotional issues from, or if it’s just steroids. Fun! So, let’s dive right in, shall we?
Peter The Pilot’s Hometown Date
First up, we have Peter in California. Tbh I don’t think this date placement bodes well for him. I feel as if the person who goes first is usually not high on the lead’s list of priorities. Plus, he’s the only one to come from a state where you can’t buy a gun at the same place you can buy toilet paper, so that’s definitely some points against him.
LOL. ABC, you can’t HONESTLY possibly expect us to believe that that’s Peter’s real car and not something production pulled out of their asses to give him some more sex appeal. There’s no way in hell a commercial airline pilot makes that much money. Please.
Peter starts off his date by giving Hannah an airplane tour around Southern California, and this is 100% not the first girl he has given a romantic airplane ride around the city. This is a move right out of his pilot handbook, as it should be. I mean, if the condom Hannah found in his glove compartment on the way over there wasn’t indication enough, then the MAKING OUT IN THE SKIES WHILE OPERATING A FLYING MACHINE sure shows us that he has this routine down pat. Kudos to you, Pete!
— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) July 9, 2019
Moving on. Peter brings Hannah to meet his parents and his mom is LIVING for her 15 minutes of fame.
PETER’S MOM: Do you love her?
PETER: Well normally my relationships last about as long as the walk from the Delta lounge to the terminal, so I guess so?
At least he’s honest!
Meanwhile, Hannah sits down with Peter’s brother who tells her that Peter is a “hopeless romantic.” Lol, sure, Peter’s brother. If by “hopeless romantic” you mean “has definitely banged a girl in every country,” then yes, I’m sure Peter that’s exactly what Peter is!
Also, is it just me, or does Peter’s dad basically look like Captain Lee from Below Deck?
I. Can’t. Unsee. It.
Peter starts talking about how deep he’s falling for Hannah, but offscreen admits that he can’t say “I love you” just yet because he’s scared. Meanwhile, Hannah looks like she’d rather endure three hours of Barbara talking about her jewelry making hobby than five minutes of Peter talking about his feelings for her. Uh oh, Petey. It’s not looking good for you, buddy!
Tyler’s Hometown Date:
Hannah heads to Florida next for Tyler’s hometown date, and honestly I’m shocked by what I’m viewing on my screen rn. I was expecting to see, like, cars on fire or people walking around without pants on or at least one white guy rapping. Those scenarios track with my understanding of Florida, not this f*cking paradise. Dare I say Florida…looks…nice? *waits to spontaneously combust*
Okay, Tyler was not f*cking around when he planned this date. Mimosas, boating, and bikinis? HE IS SPEAKING MY LOVE LANGUAGE. If Hannah doesn’t choose him in the end then I’m sorry but she can’t be helped.
On stop one of Tyler’s boat tour, he shows Hannah the house he grew up in before he lost his fortune and only became medium rich, like Kardashians in 2007 rich. He’s like “Yeah, now we can only drive by the house in this boat my family owns. It’s sad.” SO SAD. Shall I get out the world’s smallest violin for you, Ty?
Post-boat ride, Tyler and Hannah head to off to meet his parents in the hovel starter mansion they were forced to downsize into. Have any of us known pain like this? (Because I sure would like to).
This is our first glimpse of Tyler’s home life and already I like what I’m seeing. And by “what I’m seeing” I mean his brothers because MY GOD this family is beautiful. Do we think they might also be single and desperate? Because HI.
Oh, I forgot Tyler’s dad was sick. Now his poor father has to battle for his life and be on this godforsaken show? Was the disease not punishment enough?? Also, he keeps calling Hannah “Miss Hannah” and it’s so cute I can’t.
Tyler’s dad pulls Hannah aside for a heart-to-heart and this sweet angel of a man is giving me such Buddy Garrity vibes it’s insane. Hannah’s like “Do you think Tyler is ready for an engagement,” and his dad replies with “Well he’s 26 so…” As if legally being forced off his parent’s insurance plan means he’s now ready for marriage. WHAT’S YOUR POINT TYLER’S DAD? You can be older than 26 and live a super fulfilling life all alone with nothing but your dog and 12 seasons of Criminal Minds to keep you company! At least that’s what I whisper to myself in my darkened living room every time Netflix asks “Are you still watching?”
Tyler must have thought the date went pretty well, because when he walks Hannah out to the car he slides into the backseat with her and immediately starts rubbing one out on her thigh. Or she could be rubbing one out on him. I really can’t distinguish whose legs are whose because both of them are wearing matching skin tight white jeans.
Luke’s Hometown Date:
Luke’s hometown date is up next, and it’s the one we’ve all been waiting for. Why we’re in Georgia and not in the basement of ABC studios where the producers grew him in a pod with protein shakes and clean eating for six weeks before casting him on the show this season, I don’t know. But I’m willing to play along if you are, Mike Fleiss. Carry on.
Luke tells Hannah he wants to take her to the one place he visits every week: the shower Sunday School! So, let me get this straight. Peter takes Hannah on a plane, Tyler takes Hannah on a boat, and Luke *checks notes* takes Hannah to pray in a stranger’s basement? HANNAH HOW ARE YOU SERIOUSLY STILL TORN ABOUT WHICH GUY TO CUT.
Also, Hannah is looking like she wishes she’d worn anything other than that lace silk cami today. I wonder if she’ll burst into flames the second she enters the church like the philanderer she is.
LUKE: I was chasing sex. I was entangled in sin.
ENTANGLED IN SIN!! Okay, Luke is acting like he spent his freshman year of college at a bunny farm in New Mexico drowning in booze, pills, and the female flesh. Like, did he steal this speech from Lamar Odom’s memoir?
Side note: I’m starting to think Luke channeled all that sexual energy into his eyebrow maintenance because DAMN those are some manicured brows. How have I never noticed those bad boys before??
Okay, how much do we think Luke paid these guys to say those nice things about him? Especially that one comment about him being “giant”? Nice try, Lukie, but this isn’t making me think you’re a good guy so much as you might be involved in a cult.
Hannah meets his family next, and before grandma can even scoot over on the couch to make room for her, Hannah starts reading through her and Luke’s couples therapy transcript RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. Like, why is she talking about the house drama in front of his entire family? She’s like “it started out great with your son, but then he turned into a total piece of sh*t. Lol! When’s dinner??”
Watching Luke’s family unequivocally defend him is making me understand why Luke thinks he’s infallible. They’re saying that the show made him act the way he has for the past eight weeks and while, yes, that might be a little true, it can’t explain away all of his toxic behavior. After Hannah tells his family about his aggression and blatant disregard for her wants they laugh it off in a “boys will be boys” kind of way, and it’s sickening.
LUKE’S DAD: Luke’s a great guy!
LUKE’S BROTHER: Luke’s a great guy!
RANDOM CHURCH GUY: Luke’s a great guy!
JESUS FROM THE SHOWER: Luke’s a great guy!
HANNAH: You’re right, I think I’m in love with him.
Go home, Hannah, you’re brainwashed!
Jed’s Hometown Date:
Last but not least, Hannah heads to Nashville for Jed’s hometown date, where I’m sure they’ll spend the majority of their date actively avoiding all the places he took his other girlfriend in Nashville. So what does that leave? The back alley behind the Starbucks? That said, I do feel like these two have the best chemistry out of everyone this season. Then again, Jed was a Chippendales dancer so he has been known to manufacture chemistry with a pole.
Speaking of manufactured bullsh*t, I can’t listen to one more Jed Wyatt original. You guys, I just can’t. He’s like “and lookie what we have here? We just happen to be by my recording studio!!” Yes, what fortuitous timing, indeed. And look! They’re going to write a song together. How spontaneous and crazy and I’m sure this won’t at all be available on iTunes tomorrow, but you can use code “JED WYATT” at checkout just in case.
After Jed’s done with his weird Johnny Cash foreplay, he takes Hannah to meet his family and—more importantly—the family dog. Okay, Jed’s family seems very confused about why Hannah is meeting them. It’s like they knew they were being filmed that day, but they just thought it was for his audition for The Voice and not The Bachelorette.
The face you make when you were expecting to meet Blake Shelton at the end of the day not a former 4th place beauty queen.
JED’S DAD: It’s hard for me to wrap my head around all of this because he told me it was just for publicity
YOU AND ME BOTH MR. WYATT. Also, does anyone get the sense that in Mr. Wyatt’s wildest dreams he’s Billy Ray Cyrus? Just me?
Meanwhile, the conversation isn’t going any better between Hannah and Jed’s mom. Hannah asks her if she thinks Jed is ready for engagement and she all but says her son ain’t sh*t.
HANNAH: Your son seems really great.
JED’S MOM: He is great.
HANNAH: Will he treat me right?
JED’S MOM: Lol not a chance.
Well if that’s not a ringing endorsement for legally binding yourself to someone until the end of time then I don’t know what is!
The Rose Ceremony:
Moving on to the rose ceremony. Hannah laments having to choose between three guys she’s into who are ready for marriage, and one guy she’s into who is ready for a record deal. It’s a real Sophie’s Choice.
HANNAH: How to you compare apples to oranges to kiwis to tomatoes?
CHRIS HARRISON: Yeah, I don’t care.
Oh, Chris. We’ve missed you buddy!
Hannah starts handing out roses and I’m SHOCKED that it’s down to Jed and Luke. We know from the promos ABC keeps shoving down our throats that Luke makes it to the fantasy suites thanks to that clip of him telling Hannah it’s only okay when *men* sleep with multiple people at once, and I honestly didn’t think Jed would be going home after he said the L word. Parental sabotage or no. Rather than make a decision, Hannah does what I do when I’m under a modicum of stress: flee the scene.
I love that it took Chris Harrison a solid 15 minutes before walking over there to comfort her. I know it’s confusing because after the fence jumping incident of 2019 you bartered your way to less screen time for more pay, but it’s actually your job to comfort the lead, Chris!
Hannah keeps saying that she hasn’t had time to “dive in” with these relationships, but she really wants to “dive in” with each of the men and she’s definitely talking about banging them, right? Like, “dive” has to be a euphemism for their penises, yes?
Hannah returns to the rose ceremony and declares that she absolutely cannot make a decision and then metaphorically stamps her foot in protest. Luke looks completely unfazed by this change of events while Jed looks weirdly upset for someone who was only planning to make it to the top five to begin with.
LMAO CHRIS. He’s like “here are the roses you asked for, you ungrateful bitch” and hands Hannah a second rose. So she’s just allowed to keep all four of them now? Do the rules just not apply anymore? ARE WE JUST GOING TO LIVE IN ANARCHY LIKE THIS?!
Sighs. I guess we will—at least until next week when Hannah finally gets to see
their penises more from them and can make a decision. Until next week!
Images: Giphy (3); ABC (3); @shesallbach /Instagram (1); @viallnicholas28 /Twitter (1)