How To Break the F*ckboy Cycle For Good Betches

DON’T Just Take What You Can Get If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance that at some point you’ve found yourself waiting to hear from a person you like for longer than is reasonable. Maybe, like my younger self, you’ve even gone so far as to delete his or her number from your phone and consider such person a lost cause. Of course, as soon as you proceed to get on with your life, the deadbeat in question miraculously resurfaces, whether it’s with a last-minute request for a date or a booty call well after you have made plans with friends (or, better yet, your couch). As much as you may want to respond and make yourself immediately available, …

The Best Bachelorette Recap Youll Ever Read: Entangled In Sin Betches

Peter The Pilot’s Hometown Date First up, we have Peter in California. Tbh I don’t think this date placement bodes well for him. I feel as if the person who goes first is usually not high on the lead’s list of priorities. Plus, he’s the only one to come from a state where you can’t buy a gun at the same place you can buy toilet paper, so that’s definitely some points against him. LOL. ABC, you can’t HONESTLY possibly expect us to believe that that’s Peter’s real car and not something production pulled out of their asses to give him some more sex appeal. There’s no way in hell a commercial airline pilot makes that much money. Please. Peter …

All The Terrifying Red Flags Luke P. Has Dropped This ‘Bachelorette’ Season Betches

Every year of The Bachelorette, I swear to myself that I won’t get as infuriated by next year’s villain. And every year, they trot out a new guy who seems specifically designed to raise my blood pressure. This year, I am of course talking about the villain Luke P.: CrossFit enthusiast and walking red flag. As exhausting as it is to see Hannah not send him home week after week, I’ve been really glad to see that most viewers have shied away from actively blaming her. As the other contestants point out, Luke shows a very different side to Hannah—and for f*ck’s sake, we’ve all fallen for a Luke at some point in our lives, and under far less stressful circumstances. …

Who Is The Seth Cohen of Gilead? ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Recap Betches

Back to Gilead! Let’s dive into the horrors Hulu has brought to us this week, shall we? We open on a Canadian protest, which I imagine is a very polite affair. Baby Nichole, a hardened member of antifa at this point, is on the front lines with Luke, her new pseudo-dad. Based on the epic fatness of her widdle cheeks, it seems like Nichole is thriving. Good for her. You know who is not thriving? June, who is still sadly being forced to hang out with OfMatthew the Narc at the grocery store. June is tuning out OfMatthews’s narc-ery by dreaming about having sex with Luke at the clurb. This is also how I get through talking to annoying people. …

Who Is Rihanna’s Boyfriend? What We Know About Her Saudi Billionaire

Rihanna is a total badass, and it seems like men have always had a tough time keeping up with her. Of course, there was her nightmare situation with Chris Brown, who somehow still isn’t canceled a decade later. Since then, Rih has spent time with rappers and athletes, but for the past couple years, she’s been focused on a billionaire businessman. Honestly, that’s the type of energy I need in my life. She’s officially the world’s richest female musician, and she has a man with money to match. Who is Rihanna’s boyfriend, and how long have they been a thing? Here’s what we know. To start, his name is Hassan Jameel, and did I mention he’s a billionaire? He’s from …

How I Won My Battle With Emotional Eating Betches

By the time I was 13 years old, I weighed over 200 pounds and struggled with losing weight, emotional eating, and diets that didn’t work. While most kids dreamed of becoming movie stars or famous athletes, my early inspirations were the knowledgeable dietitians I met every summer at fat camp. I was never normal. I was never small. The pediatrician’s office constantly told my parents, “She’s obese. She’s over the 100th percentile, she’s not even on the chart!” I finally had the epiphany: “Ilana, you only have this one body, you might as well make it rock!” I needed a more positive approach that felt more fun than force. By that time, I had taken over 100 hours of nutrition …

Your Work Stress Could Be An Actual Medical Condition Betches

Late 20s culture is many things: your friends all getting married when you can’t even get a second date, your idea of cooking beginning and ending with boiling water to make pasta, and wondering at what age you officially have to start making your own doctors appointments. But probably the biggest aspect of late 20s culture is being stressed. Stressed about dating, stressed about work, stressed about the fact that our planet might be beyond repair and we may all die very soon in the real-life incarnation of 28 Days Later. And it’s no wonder we’re all stressed about work: college tuition has more than doubled since the 1980s, leaving many millennials saddled with debt ($17,126 per graduate who took out loans) …

The Betches Summer 2019 Reading List Betches

This book is so cute and fun and I’m obsessed with it. It’s about Alex Claremont-Diaz, the heartthrob son of the first female President of the United States (if only), and Prince Henry, the Prince of England. The two start out as rivals and are forced to fake a friendship, until that fake friendship turns into a real friendship… and then more. Told through narrative, texts, emails, and even a podcast, this book is inventive and fun, and super heartwarming. I finished it today and low-key teared up on the subway. ‘My Lovely Wife’ by Samantha Downing Gone Girl, My Lovely Wife The People We Hate At The Wedding, Honestly, We Meant Well. a famed writer and now-professor who just …

The Best Vibrators To Replace The F*ckboys In Your Life Betches

Happy National Masturbation Month, betches! We’re all about men being replaced by machines these days, because who wants a guy that brags about his d*ck size during your first conversation, or even worse, asks for nudes even though you’ve never even hung out? You’re 31 years old, Logan. Get your sh*t together. So of course, masturbation doesn’t just deserve a day or a Seinfeld episode about it—it deserves a whole month! Above all, the most important thing in life is to love yourself, and what better way to do it than rubbing one out? As someone who has been a member of the Good Vibe Tribe to the point where I’m on a first-name basis with the fine employees of …

What The Royal Babys Birth Chart Predicts About His Personality

On Monday, May 6 at 5:26 a.m. Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, the Duchess and Duke of Sussex, welcomed a baby boy—jolting our collective ovaries and filling our Instagram feeds with congratulatory posts. The royal baby is seventh in line for the throne, and the eighth great-grandchild for Queen Elizabeth. And while most are busy waiting for a photo and a name reveal, thanks to astrology and the birth time, we’re already able to take a deeper look into the royal baby’s personality and what his relationships with his parents might be like. We are pleased to announce that Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Sussex welcomed their firstborn child in the early morning on May 6th, 2019. …

4 Tips To Make Wedding Dress Shopping Less Stressful Betches

In November 2018, I married my college sweetheart, Mike Sorrentino. One of the most memorable and surreal moments of the entire experience was my first time trying on wedding gowns. I planned our entire wedding start to finish in roughly two months, so I didn’t have time to waste on decisions, especially when it came to wedding dress shopping. I decided on both my wedding gowns in just 30 minutes. I swear, it’s true! But that’s because I went in prepared. Right off the bat, I had in mind a few dresses I liked and wanted to use as inspiration for my gown. I had Pronovias, Ines di Santo, Marchesa, and Zuhair Murad bookmarked as my favorite bridal designers while researching …

7 Famous TV Couples That Should Have Never Ended Up Together Betches

So we’re all in agreement these days that we would rather binge watch shows and act like the characters are our real-life friends rather than engaging with society, right? Okay, cool. Glad I’m not the only one. Since we all have emotional investments in television shows even though these characters really should have no bearing on our day-to-day lives, I thought I should indulge this toxic mentality by talking about couples from beloved TV shows that should never have ended up together. God, I have way too much time on my hands. All of these couples are considered iconic, but I’m going to tell you why their relationships at best, wouldn’t work, and at worst, are straight-up toxic. Go ahead, …